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Funny the Way it is

To me, February has always been a hard month. I often say its the longest shortest month ever. I think for me, by this time of year, I’m so tired of the cold, the dark, the dreary. I live for those miraculously warm and sunny Spring like days that is just enough to remind me that Spring really will be coming.

Yesterday, the black clouds settled into my brain. I think it was a combination of February, being extremely fatigued, and stressed out. My body said a big fat OH NO YOU DON’T! So, I stayed in bed the majority of the day, hiding under my blankets with my puppy, ugly crying and sleeping and in general feeling miserable.

There are so many people who checked on me and I’m full of gratitude that I have a support system like that. But no one could get through that wall of shit….except my partner in crime, my husband. We talked a long time, he made me dinner, I took a shower, I unplugged from the negativity for awhile. And it did wonders for me.

So here I am this morning, hitting the ground running. Ready to begin again.

There is so much going on here, that its a little overwhelming. I’ve been making plans, and connections, and making art. I’ve slowed it down a little on the art making…I had a very intense few months of creation and while I have tons of ideas stacked up in my brain, and in the studio…I decided that I have to listen to my brain and body and may be take care of them a little bit more than I have been.

Im reminded of this quote:

This is my ambition, which is founded less on anger than on love, founded more on serenity than on passion. It is true that I am often in the greatest misery, but still there is within me a calm, pure harmony and music. In the poorest huts, in the dirtiest corner, I see drawings and pictures. And with irresistible force my mind is drawn towards these things. Believe me that sometimes I laugh heartily because people suspect me of all kinds of malignity and absurdity, of which not a hair of my head is guilty — I, who am really no one but a friend of nature, of study, of work, and especially of people.
— Vincent van Gogh

And I find that it resonates with me as well.

I count myself as very fortunate in that as well.

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I think as creatives, we sometime can get so caught up in the busy. Of making the work, of promoting and selling the things, of being plugged in to all of that, and forgetting that we need to be fed, that our hearts, mind and soul need care and feeding.

I need to eat, to rest, to dance with my dog, to see other art, to spend time with the people in my life, to practice my spirituality, to meditate, to go to acupuncture, to meander through some of my time and just allow myself to dream.

Its so easy for me to forget that very basic and important stuff. But ironically, those very things are the things that fuel my imagination, and inform my art practice.

van Gogh also said this:

I have nature and art and poetry, and if that is not enough, what is enough?

I am ambitious, yes. And I have been working hard to focus in on my goals. I posted this the other day on my Instagram

As someone who lives with a mental health challenge I have not always wanted to live my life. I’ve been in so many dark places in my own heart and mind that deciding to live has been one of the biggest accomplishments of my life even if I need to decide it more often than most people. As an artist I try to make work that soothes my own self, and that resonates with others who perhaps are out there thinking about the same things. I want to create work that speaks to that courage. I want you to know that you are not alone, that I see you, and that I think you are beautiful. It is my highest aspiration to show you my survivorship and to offer a hand, an ear, some small bit of empathy and courage when you need it. It is my greatest privilege to serve in this way. Please stay here with me. The world needs us. Xo

As someone who lives with a mental health challenge I have not always wanted to live my life. I’ve been in so many dark places in my own heart and mind that deciding to live has been one of the biggest accomplishments of my life even if I need to decide it more often than most people.
As an artist I try to make work that soothes my own self, and that resonates with others who perhaps are out there thinking about the same things. I want to create work that speaks to that courage. I want you to know that you are not alone, that I see you, and that I think you are beautiful. It is my highest aspiration to show you my survivorship and to offer a hand, an ear, some small bit of empathy and courage when you need it. It is my greatest privilege to serve in this way.
Please stay here with me. The world needs us. Xo

And I sincerely mean it. But it also reminded me that I have to walk my talk and take care of my own wellness as I try to connect with others in this way. Self care is something I struggle with as I tell myself that doing what I love is selfcare. It is, but it’s not the only selfcare I need to be doing. As I get older my body tells me more and more about what it needs and it will stop if I ignore it too long. But before my body stops, my brain gets dark and stormy. I think they are in cahoots and are pretty clever the way they work together to get me to shut up, stop and listen. It’s a hard lesson they dish out, but I’m happy to say that in my 48th year of life I’m FINALLY learning.

So I’m still creating, but Im taking a slower, more sure footed direction. At least that is what I intend to do. There is a lot of exciting news coming up soon that I can’t wait to share with you all, so please stay tuned.

But please, take some time for just you. For your heart and soul. Our resilience depends on our selfcare. That’s the lesson I am learning.

I would love to hear what you do besides create to take care of yourselves! Please feel free to comment on this post, or you can always email me!

Big love to you.